A group of scientists at NASA have come up with a plan to approach that cute girl.
Not entirely work safe satire from The Onion

Who said philosopher geeks are not romantic. Have a happy St Valentines Day.

<3 <3 <3

See it on the YouTube Video (probably work safe – roughly PG rating).

Clippy as hero, almost as unlikely as a heroic nerd.

You are back. OK. Did you watch it all?

So it seems romantic, if a bit cheesy. At least it would be if this were a declaration of love to his current girl. As part of a wedding proposal it would be sort of cool in a dorky kind of way. But this was a “love letter” to a woman that left, without looking back, two (count ‘em) years ago. And she did not leave contact details. She just “disappeared.” Now I am not the coolest guy on the block, but even I can figure this stuff out. If she has gone 404, if she is MLNA (for you snail mail types), it is over. It is dead. The horse ain’t getting up, so stop flogging it.

Can you see John Wayne, Humphrey Bogart, or Sean Connery doing this pansy ass crap? For them it would be:
Q: “Where is Loren?”
A: “Don’t know, the dumb broad walked out on me. Meet Susan my new girlfriend.”

So let’s go over this:
Over eager declaration of love = cheesy
Action filled marriage proposal = cute
Overwrought, whimpering to some chick that walked (maybe ran) out two years ago = creepy.

The first gets you a contented sigh, the second a big expensive day, the last a restraining order.

This seven minutes of hell took nine months to create. It took energy and skill. All that effort could have been spent to do something useful like… um… get a new girlfriend. Hey, it’s just a suggestion.

At least the Numa Numa kid had the grace to be embarrassed.

Notes:

The video itself is well made. Apparently Captain America (see note below) made it single handedly (the zooms, tilts, and pans were created with editing software). He managed to create some good action shots and a fairly professional feel to it. The script is not too bad with the mystery of what is all about building to the reveal at the five-minute mark. A bit long, perhaps, but still better than I (or many others) could create.

Some cynical types believed that this was made to promote the person in it (Ben Ryan Metzger) for the role of Captain America. Someone certainly posted it to many chatrooms. Given that the camera spends seven minutes on Metzger’s muscles and 20 seconds on Loren, I would not rule that out.

Some even more cynical types suggest that Metzger might not be gay.

One of the archetypes mentioned in my article on chick taxonomy was the Femme Fatale. Well it turns out there is a real life version posting on the Internet. Naturally, Typealyzer considers her a party girl.

Have fun nerdy reader, but beware the warnings in my taxonomy article.
The linked blog is probably not work or family safe.

Far worse, from a nerd hero perspective, you would imagine are romance novels. You know those books whose cover features longhaired beauties falling into the arms of buff heroes. If cinema will not feature geeky heroes what hope is there for romance novels?

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that not only is there a romance novel with a nerd hero but an entire series. Yes, an entire series. It is called, surprisingly enough, “The Nerd Series” by Vicki Lewis Thompson. Obviously you would not believe me unless I provided a link.

Of course, reading the small print (if not the novels themselves) reveals that the heroes are not particularly nerdy. In one novel the computer programmer is able to land a pilotless plane because of his flight simulator and gaming experience. As far as representing nerdish/geeky types as heroes, it is start.

But nerdy reader, do not get carried away with fantasies of falling into favor with the babes. One Amazon reviewer had this to say:

…And MAYBE that all might have been acceptable if Charlie had been a much more interesting hero. But it seems like VLT set out to make Charlie as normal and as nerdy as could be. He’s reserved, repressed, only slightly funny, and an overall nice, fairly handsome guy.
link

In other words, he would be a great nerd hero if only he was not such a nerd. I mean he is only slightly funny.

Nerd heroes? As the say, truth is stranger than fiction even heroic nerd fiction.

Auto smilies are one of those biting dogs. Auto smilies appear in e-mail, instant messenger, and web posting software (blogs or bulletin boards). They convert things like :) to .

This is great except that sometimes it happens when you least expect it. It can change

…
6) Sixth point
7) Seventh point
8) Eight point

Into

…
6) Sixth point
7) Seventh point
Eight point

So your neat list of bullet points now has a dorky graphic in it. Your informative list of points now looks like a teenager’s Facebook entry. The entire matter is :redface:. It is enough to make you , , or at least .

Like I said auto smilies are .

The idea of a management dashboard is a useful metaphor.  A dashboard gives you a quick overview of your car’s systems. It alerts you to areas that might need your attention. A management “dashboard” should also give you a quick overview of the enterprise and alert you to areas that might need attention.

It was the steering wheel that did it for me. I have visions of the CEO making car noises (like a five year-old) as he looks at the screen, begging the senior accountant for “just five more minutes.”  I wonder if they used something like this to monitor all those CDO, CDS, and MBS instruments. It would explain a lot.
[On a previous assignment we called our "dashboard" a "cockpit." Partly because it contained some aircraft style dials, but mostly because it sounded cooler.  We did not include pictures of a joystick or ejector seat.]

In case the linked site is not available, here is a copy of the dashboard image.

We all know that each woman is unique and special in her own way (well, I have to say that don’t I?), but they can be placed into archetypes.  To aid the intrepid reader in his dating adventures I describe each of the archetypes and give recommendations on handling them.
[Note: There are no archetypes for men.  That is because no man would be caught doing anything so sissy as belonging to an "archetype."]

Femme Fatale
(aka: Dream Babe, Sexy Chick)
This is every man’s dream.  She is sexy, exciting, and sensual.  She will light up your life.  She will take you places you have never been. She will take you places you have never even dreamed about. She may even take you places you don’t really want to go.  One thing you will not suffer is boredom.  She will make you feel not just a man, but The Man.  You will wonder: “how did I get this girl?”  You will not be wondering long.  After a too short time she will be gone leaving you with great memories and a broken heart.
Recommendation: Every man should aim to meet at least one Femme Fatale in his life. Great memories last forever and broken hearts can be mended.

Lawyer Chick
(aka: Trader Chick, Banking Chick, Amazon Chick, Warrior Girl)
She is both sophisticated and elegant. She is perfectly groomed and beautifully dressed. She knows what she wants and how to get it.  She likes to be on top (ahem) and be in charge. She likes to wear the trousers (except for when she is wearing a Dior skirt). The problem is that her attitude is as sharp as her tailoring.  You can’t hurt her feelings because she does not have any.  You can be sure that she won’t break your heart, but if you mess with her she might break your arms (and sue you for ruining her dress with bloodstains).
Recommendation:  If you really are this masochistic, try sticking pins in yourself.

Yoga Girl
(aka: Flufficans, The Romantic)
Unlike Lawyer Chick, if you are sticking pins into yourself with this one it is only because she is into acupuncture.  Indeed she is into most forms of spiritualism and alternative medicine. She is soft, warm, and caring.  She is into puppy dogs and every lost cause known to man (well she is with you isn’t she?).  She will love you deeply, but you will share that love just about every person or thing that can bring a tear to her eye (and there are plenty of those).  She may not offer excitement but you will feel adored (and that can be very exciting).  She is unlikely to break your heart, but you will probably break hers (you bastard).
Recommendation:  If your testosterone levels are too high this is the perfect cure.  But please treat her gently and leave her as you found her.

Nerd Girl
(aka:Tomboy, Star Trek girl)
I mean how cool is this? She is a girl but she likes all the nerdy things you do. [Come on. You are on the Internet, reading a blog. Actually you are reading a blog entry about chicks. You are a nerd. Admit it. Embrace it. Celebrate it.] Herein lies the problem; she is just too like you.  I mean she has got girly bits and all, but is just like one of the guys. Where is the excitement in that?
Recommendation: Nerd girl is fun, but you probably need a dose of Femme Fatale (if you can handle her).

Library Girl
(aka: Cute Chick, girl next door)
You have become frustrated in your search for the girl.  But then you see her.  You are not sure how you missed her before. It is true she is not quite as sexy as Femme Fatale, nor as beautifully tailored as Lawyer Chick, she does not have that inspiring gentleness of Yoga Chick, and unlike Nerd Girl she does not even like the nerdy things that you like. However, there is something about her.  She is warm and friendly. She has a nice laugh.  She probably won’t break your heart (or your arms) but will provide friendship and loyalty. You worry that she is not the coolest or best-looking girl around and then you realize you are not the coolest or best-looking guy around. Maybe, just maybe…
Recommendation: Listen buddy, stop jerking around and make your move.

Types of Women.
From the point of view of men the three types of women in the world are:
Cool Chick – Any reasonably attractive woman that also likes him.
Bitch [see also lesbian] – Any reasonably attractive woman that does not like him.
Slut - Any reasonably attractive woman that does not like him but does like his friend.

Types of Men.
Women (predictably) are a bit more complex.  From the point of view of women, there are five types of guy. These five types are:
Cool Guy – Any reasonably attractive man that also likes her.
Asshole [see also "Why are all the good ones gay?"] – Any reasonably attractive man that does not like her.
Bastard (see also, Player, “bad news”) – Any reasonably attractive man that does not like her but does like her friend.
Stud - A very attractive man that all her friends like but only has eyes for her.
Creep - Any unattractive man that has the temerity to express interest in her.

It should be pointed out that like leprechauns, unicorns, and magic fairy godmothers, the Stud only exists in storybooks.  The “Super hot stripper/model babe that adores him” was removed from the Types of Women list for similar reasons (unless her name is .jpg, she does not actually exist).

Update
After deeper research into chick taxonomy, I discovered that there are actually five types of chick. The work I perform on your behalf never ends.